I have/had a good friend who is a devout Muslim, was born in Egypt but moved to the US when he was very young. His father was from there, his mother was American, white, and I’m not totally clear whether or not she converted but was definitely not Muslim when they met. From what I understand his father got a lot of shit from his family over that.

Over the years, my friend butted heads with dad a lot. At one point his dad wanted to move the family to Egypt, basically because he never fully adjusted to life in the US. My friend stood up to him, because all of his younger siblings had only ever lived here, they had friends and lives here and it would be kind of shitty to uproot all of that, so he kicked my friend out of the house, and wouldn’t let him see his siblings for probably over a year.

So that was always a threat he kept dangling over my friends head- Fall in line or I’ll move the family back to Egypt and cut you off from your siblings.

He also disapproved of any sort of american style dating, and forced my friend to break up with several girlfriends, even if they were Muslim.

One day my friend just totally ghosted all of us. Unfriended everyone on Facebook, leaving pretty much only people with middle Eastern names, stopped replying to calls or texts, etc. a couple of us went to his house to check on him, and did actually make contact with him there but he refused to answer any questions, basically just leaving it at her wasn’t going to be friends with any of us anymore.

We know at that point he’d been seeing a girl he’d been keeping secret from his dad, she later reached out to us because he also ghosted her.

We’re pretty sure what happened is that his father found out that he was dating her and had another blow-up, threatening to kick him out and cut him off from his siblings for good.

Not every Muslim family is the same of course, some wouldn’t have any issues with this sort of situation, in some it will cause varying degrees of family drama, in some it can even get physically abusive, and in a small handful of cases we might even be talking about honor killings.

Where you have different cultures and religions coming into play, this kind of thing can get complicated, it’s not always so simple as “it’s a free country” although it should be.

There are two types of people in the world

There are people who want to socialize with their coworkers, bond with them, have friendships with them, etc.

And there are people who just work here, man. They show up everyday, spend 8 hours doing their job, collect their paycheck every 2 weeks, and don’t want to spend a moment more than they need to at work and or think about their job or coworkers on their days off.

Field trips, team building days, etc. are great for the first type of person, they’re torture for the second.

I’m the second type of person. I don’t, overall, dislike my coworkers. I’ll joke around with them, I think they’re mostly all nice and decent people, maybe even above average. But at its core, the nature of my relationship with them is that I get paid to work with them, and that is plenty enough reason to be friendly (though not necessarily friends with) them. I don’t need to go get a beer with them after work, or go bowling or whatever with them to build a bond with them. My bond with them is that if I do my job and they do their job, we both get paid and can go do whatever the hell we want to do off the clock, either with each other if they’re one of the rare people who manage to make the jump from being a work friend to being a regular friend, or separately if all we really have in common is that we work together. I have plenty of friends and hobbies and such that I don’t need to seek them out at work, and I prefer it that way, my professional life and private life don’t really need to touch.

I don’t want birthday cards from my coworkers, I don’t want to contribute anything to the office Christmas party (I work for my county government, I really don’t think we should even have an office Christmas party) and when they’re taking up a collection for a coworker who is sick or about to have a baby or whatever, my only thought is “how 'bout they just pay us enough that we don’t have to do this?”

So if it’s decided that I don’t need to work for a day, I’d rather just be home. Or have the option to go in and work to get caught up/get ahead on my work in exchange for overtime while all the type-A, middle management, people-people, chatty Kathy, office gossip, busybody types are out of the office doing whatever.

I certainly don’t want to come in on my day off to deal with any of that. Those days off are the reason I work, so that I can enjoy the rest of my time.

Two particular examples I recall that ground my gears.

I used to work in a warehouse. The company used to do two Christmas parties, one for the office staff, one for the warehouse employees. Usually the office staff would get treated to dinner at a restaurant after work. For us warehouse people, they would usually get us a catered lunch. Never anything particularly special, but at least I didn’t have to pack a lunch that day. One year they decided that they’d take us warehouse plebs out to a nice steakhouse for dinner. I declined. I was busting my ass all day in a warehouse, I’d be gross and sweaty and want to go home to shower and change after work. I had time to do that, we got off at 5, and the dinner wasn’t until I think 7, but after dealing with almost an hour of rush hour traffic, and being tired from working all day, I really didn’t want to get dressed again and go back out. And to top it off, I was one of only like 3 people in the warehouse who spoke decent English, and the other two were 2 or 3 times my age, and one was my boss. The rest mostly spoke Spanish, and they were nice enough, but I couldn’t really have enough of a conversation with them to even determine if we even had anything in common to talk about, much less actually talk to them about it. About all we could manage is “hey, can you go grab this box for me?” or showing each other funny videos and laughing.

To me that sounded like I was going to spend a couple hours sitting mostly in silence with people chatting in Spanish around me.

And of course, they were paying for food, but not for drinks. If I’m going to a nice steakhouse, I’m going to want at least a beer, glass of wine, or cocktail with my dinner, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay anything out of pocket to attend a work function.

I also really don’t get the appeal of a steakhouse, don’t get me wrong, I like steak, but I can make a steak with some sides as good or better as any steakhouse at home for half the cost. Steak isn’t complicated.

My boss was surprised I didn’t want to go. I’m surprised that anyone wanted to go. I’d rather they have me a few bucks to order some pizzas, grab a six pack, and stay home with my wife (who was invited to this as well, I asked her if she wanted to go, she felt the same way) watching Netflix.

The next one is more recent. My current job has been on a big mental health thing lately. We have to do a mandatory training thing a couple times a year, usually it’s pretty bullshit, but at least there’s a thing veneer of “,you need to do this to keep your required certifications, even if none of it actually applies to what we do”

But this last time they decided to do a “wellness retreat”

Which consisted of us mostly sitting in an auditorium listening to about 4 different speakers talking about mental health, suicide prevention, fitness and healthy eating, etc. and a guided meditation thing, doing a middle school science class egg drop experiment as a team building exercise, and a Cornhole tournament. We had to provide our own lunches, and they had therapy dogs visit us, not really giving any presentation or anything just kind of there and we could pet them during our lunch break.

Half of the presentations felt like I was watching an ad for these people’s businesses, and the other half were just boring rehashes of things we’ve all heard a thousand times before interspersed with some sad stories.

I had to give up my day off for that. I wanted to flip a fucking table when they had the nerve to mention work-life ballance. And half of us are night shifters, and they never schedule any of these things overnight, so it was downright insulting when they talked about how important it is to get enough sleep.

And I don’t even want to play Cornhole when I’m drunk with my friends I actually want to be around, I really don’t want to play it with a bunch of coworkers totally sober.

I got overtime pay for it, but I gladly would have paid that much out of my own pocket to skip it.

If you want to surprise your employees, let them leave early (with pay) on a Friday, hand out gift cards for takeout or a movie or something, buy them pizza, or better yet, just give them all a raise or a bonus. If they want to go hang out together and bond, they can go do that with their extra money after they leave work early on a Friday, maybe invite them to join you for whatever you’re doing. If they don’t, they can go enjoy life on their own terms.

Mist people cheat,

Assuming that’s supposed to be “most people”

There have been a lot of studies on this over the years, and the data is of course easy to skew because a lot of people are going to be reluctant to admit to their cheating, or people having different ideas about what constitutes “cheating” but every study I can find that seems credible, it seems to hover at more like 25% of people cheat, give or take maybe about 10%

Even when you look for people who have experienced a partner cheating on them most of the studies I can find have it at below 50%

You can get into the weeds and probably find some cases where most people in certain demographics cheat if you want to cherry-pick your data a bit.

So no, most people don’t cheat.

And I do want to just reiterate that the harassment angle is really what you want to play up with the police.

I don’t know the specifics of how policing and such works in your area, but there’s a pretty big difference between “my neighborhood is an inconsiderate jerk who plays his music too loud” and “my neighbor is intentionally targeting me with loud music and sirens to disturb our sleep”

The first one is a noise complaint, that’s low priority for the police and depending on where you are maybe not even a police issue but something like code enforcement.

The second one is a police issue, it’s harassment. This will vary from one jurisdiction to another, but where I work depending on some of the details I might enter that as “suspicious activity” or even a “disturbance” (basically a fight) which should get police there with some urgency.

And some of the other things you’ve said, like him walking around outside with a frying pan, I could definitely make an argument for putting in those calls as a “wellbeing check” or “suspicious person,” and if he’s acting particularly threatening maybe even “armed subject,” or possibly as a psych emergency to also send EMS to hopefully get him taken to a hospital for a psych eval.

I have a long, bushy beard (and curly handlebar moustache)

First of all, the hard truth is that not everyone can grow a decent beard. Vitamins, diet, etc. certainly won’t hurt, but at a certain point you’re up against genetics, and if your DNA says your beard is going to be thin and patchy, there’s not much you can do about that except maybe hair transplants.

Age plays a factor, I have a friend who couldn’t grow a decent beard until he was about 30.

Now assuming you’ve actually got enough hair growing in the right places

Most important is keeping it trimmed and neat-looking.

Until you’ve got a couple inches of beard going, I think it’s best to keep your neck shaved, pick a point maybe an inch or two above your Adams apple, and keep everything below that shaved. Once you’ve got some beard going you can stop doing that, no one can see it anyway and at some point the neckbeard just becomes more beard.

Similarly, clean up your cheeks. You probably have a few scraggly hairs growing up above the rest of your beard, shave those off.

If you’re a little brave, a straight razor is pretty nice for making some clean lines, you can be really precise with them. They make ones that use a disposable Blade if you’re not into all the sharpening and stopping that goes with a traditional straight razor, I have one that uses a double edge blade snapped in half (they break very cleanly) but most of the time I just use a regular safety razor, or a disposable or cartridge razor would do the trick just fine

Especially when you’re starting off, a beard trimmer or hair clippers are gonna be your best friend so you can trim it all down to an even length.

Figure out what you’re doing with your sideburns. I shave my head, and ideally I like to have them fade into that, but I’m cheap and lazy so I only go to my barber to have that done a couple times a year when I need to look good for a wedding or whatever. Most of the time I just take my clippers to them and try to make them shorter up top and longer towards the bottom, it takes some practice and playing with the guards and such, and I’ve actually gotten pretty good at freehanding it, but it’s not the fancy fade my barber can manage.

Once you’ve got some length, things get kind of easy, I tend to go for a longer, sort rectangular shape to my beard, I brush it out, and basically just cut off anything that isn’t where I want it to be and any split ends d notice.

For soap/shampoo/conditioner/beard oil/balm, etc. you kind of need to figure out what works for you and your hair/skin type. My hair and skin are pretty forgiving, I could probably just about shower in acetone and be none the worse for it. I shower with doctor bronners for no particular reason other than I find their peppermint to be refreshing and I can buy it in a gallon jug, and since it’s pretty concentrated a little goes a long way and I don’t have to buy soap for a couple years, and I don’t personally find any need to use any conditioner or beard balm/oil, etc. Other people find that Dr Bronners it really dries out their skin/hair so YMMV. I also find that it’s pretty good at stripping the wax out of my moustache.

I do sometimes use beard balm/oil for special occasions to help tame my beard and give it a little extra shine. I rarely buy it for myself, I find that once you have a beard it tends to be one of those things people gift you at Christmas or whatever.

I use Firehouse Moustache Wax (specifically their Wacky Tacky) to curl my moustache. That’s a very stiff wax if you don’t intend to curl it. I haven’t tried their other waxes but I’m sure they work fine for general styling. It’s the second wax I’ve tried, I find it works well, and I haven’t felt the need to experiment further. The first one I tried because it was readily available at CVS at the time was Clubman, that stuff is garbage. Doesn’t hold well, and if you get even the slightest bit wet or sweaty it washes right out. I also remember it having some sort of scent, which I’m not particularly a fan of for something that lives right below my nose.

If you’re not going for a full Snidely Whiplash curl, some other lighter wax or maybe pomade is probably worth keeping around to help tame and style it a bit. I have a tin of Murray’s pomade I keep around for that purpose though rarely use it. A little goes a long way with that, otherwise your beard gets kind of greasy and sticky.

I spend very little time on my beard. I brush it every day, wash it when I shower (usually every day, but I’ve been known to skip a day or two here and there,) clean up my cheeks when I shave my head (once or twice a week) and style my moustache mostly every day (it only takes a couple minutes, the Wacky Tacky is very stiff, I rub some into my 'stache, run a comb through it to help distribute it through a little better, and then pretty much just mold it into place with my fingers,) and do a little trimming maybe every couple weeks or when I notice it’s getting a bit wild looking.

I don’t know the laws or systems in place in the UK for this, but I work in 911 dispatch in the US, and I can’t imagine that something like this is too radically different across the pond

As long as the cops in your area are fairly responsive (I know a couple departments in my county will take their sweet-ass time responding to a noise complaints) call every time he does something.

Yes, you’re going to get sick of it, but more importantly the cops are going to get sick of it too. They really don’t want to be out at your neighbors house over this every day/week/month/8moths, or however often he does it. Before too long he’s going to get hit with fines and other consequences. Once or twice they might issue a warning

Speak to the officers every time. Make sure they’re seeing and hearing what you’re seeing and hearing, get it on video if you have to, don’t give them an opportunity to write it off because they drove by the house and “didn’t hear anything.”

Tell them he’s schizophrenic, refusing to take his meds, tell them he’s harassing you, that last part is important, tell them you want to file a report for harassment, discuss what your options are- pressing changes, restraining orders, whatever they may be, and pursue them. You’ll probably have paperwork and court dates and such, it sucks, but that’s how the process works.

Be prepared for retaliation from him in some form. Get security cameras, try to avoid any contact with him if you can avoid it. He already has delusions that you’re conspiring against him, and having the cops show up at his door repeatedly are going to feed right into that, it’s not out of the question that he might get violent, or start vandalizing your property.

Continue to report anything he says and does to you, no matter how small, each incident you document builds a stronger case for more consequences. Every time he accuses your brother of making wolf noises, or hacking his phone, any weird interaction at all, make sure you’re documenting it with the police.

Try to catch his niece when she’s over, explain the situation, explain that you’re going to have to take legal action if it doesn’t stop, see if she can possibly talk sense into him, or possibly if she or other family might be able to pursue some sort of involuntary commitment for him (read up on your local laws about that, I have no idea what they’re like in the UK except that I think it’s called “sectioning” over there, I suspect that you wouldn’t be able to start that process, it would probably need to be done by a relative, the police, or a medical/mental health professional)

If I can pull it apart a little more, it comes from the Greek “Phobos” which is usually translated as fear, but there’s a bit more to it than that.

The Greek god Phobos was the god of fear and panic*

Panic is a bit deeper than just plain old fear, it’s a state where your fear is so intense that you’re not acting rationally, you’re in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not thinking through your actions, you’re basically running on adrenaline and instincts, and not necessarily good instincts.

A phobia is that sort of irrational fear. It’s panic.

I’m a tiny bit afraid of heights (really it’s a fear of falling from a high place, but I’m splitting enough hairs here already,) I don’t have a phobia of heights. I can approach my fear rationally and overcome it, and even enjoy experiences in high places (I love roller coasters, I’m a hiker and love standing on top of a mountain, etc.) I just have to sort of calm myself down a little and tell myself I’m gonna be ok as long as I pay a little extra attention to what I’m doing. That little bit of fear actually makes it more exciting and enjoyable in its own weird way. If I had a phobia of heights, there’s no way in hell I’d be getting onto a roller coaster or going up a tall mountain, even the thought of it might set me off, maybe I’d run away from whoever suggested it, or I’d curl up in a ball hyperventilating, if my friends grabbed me by the arm and tried to drag me onto a trail I might start throwing punches.

To let my nerd flag fly a bit, the “Litany Against Fear” from Dune comes to mind.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

That’s about not letting your fear turn into panic. To face the things you don’t know and don’t understand with a level head instead of going off half-cocked in fight or flight mode.

That’s where homophobia fits in. It’s not rational, there’s no good, logical reason for them to dislike gay people, and they’re not approaching it with a clear head. They take this non-issue that they don’t understand, and panic about it, they let it consume a ridiculous amount of their (usually very limited to begin with) mental capacity, leaving no room for them to approach it rationally. They can’t flee from it, because how do you flee from normal people who are all around you, so that leaves them with fight, because their panic doesn’t leave any room in their minds to just accept that gay people don’t actually pose any threat to any of the things they’re worried about.

Similarly, you get the gay/trans panic “defense” that some people try (unfortunately sometimes successfully) in court to avoid the consequences of their actions, basically claiming that they reason they assaulted or killed a gay person was because they thought they were being hit on by them and they panicked.

With terms like hydrophobic materials, we’re kind of anthropomorphizing them a bit. A hydrophobic person is afraid of water. Rabies was known as hydrophobia because people and animals infected with it often had an aversion to water, they’d be thirsty, but one of the symptoms is difficulty swallowing, so when presented with water they’d panic because they wanted to drink but also knew if they tried to they might drown. When it came time to slap a label on materials that won’t interact with water, they just repurposed the existing word “hydrophobic” instead of creating a new term.

*the word “panic” itself is actually derived from the god Pan, a god of things like shepherds, nature, music, and having lots of sex. Overall a pretty chill dude as far as Greek gods go, seems like kind of a weird choice to name panic after, so where did that come from? Well Pan liked to take naps in the afternoon. And if something disturbed his nap he’d give a loud, startled shout, which scared all the sheep away. That sort of sudden fear became known as “panikos.” You can kind of think of panic as people acting like startled sheep, “sheeple” if you will.

I’m no electrician, I don’t run a lot of cable, I’m just a maybe-slightly-more-competent-than-average DIY homeowner type

Personally though, I like having cables run through conduits when possible for the ease of running them. I’m not particularly worried about water or mice or anything, it’s just a lot easier to just drop a cable down a pipe or suck a string through them with a plastic bag and shop vac than to try to fish them through the walls, especially anything I might want to upgrade at some point down the line when a new standard comes out like Ethernet or HDMI.